I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
