I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
