seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
