He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
