Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
