Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
