Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
