It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
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