I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize