my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
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