You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
