Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Boobs are out for the taking
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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