fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
