hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
