A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
