After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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