This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
