Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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