Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
