I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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