The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
