fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize