So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
