matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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