Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
The ass gains better be worth it
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