Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
he was CRYING into my vagina
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
