period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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