That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
