Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
