me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Randomize
