I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
