she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
