I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
