dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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