i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
