Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
