That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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