This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize