Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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