I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
