I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Houston, we have a squirter
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
