Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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