nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
