Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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