Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
