I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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