dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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