Soap is not a condiment
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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