Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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