i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Randomize