my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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