is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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