it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
