Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
