I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Randomize
