the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
