Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
