I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
