covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Randomize
