I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
