Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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