nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I deserve this hangover.
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